Funny quotes – Hilarious one-liners & witty sayings

Funny Quotes

Looking for funny quotes that make people laugh? These witty and humorous one-liners are perfect for social media captions, sharing with friends or simply brightening your day.

• I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
• I followed my heart… it led me to the fridge.
• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
• My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
• I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new look every morning.
• Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
• I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
• If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.
• I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.
• Friday is my second favorite F word.
• I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.
• Silence is golden… unless you have kids.
• I need six months of vacation, twice a year.
• I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.

• I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode.
  I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.
  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right.
  If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel.
  I don't need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new look every morning.
  Friday is my second favorite F word.
  I need six months of vacation, twice a year.
  I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
  My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, I cry.
  I don't run. If you ever see me running, you should run too because something is chasing me.
  I'm not short. I'm concentrated awesome.
  My brain has too many tabs open.
  I speak fluent sarcasm.
  I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle.
  Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
  I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
  I was going to take over the world this morning but I overslept.
  Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
  Adults are just kids with money and back pain.
  I finally found my motivation. It was hiding behind the couch.
  Some people are like Slinkys. Not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
  I'm sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.
  Life tip: if you can't convince them, confuse them.
  I'm at that age where my mind says "yes" but my body says "are you insane?"
  My diet plan: make all my friends fatter.
  I didn't fall. The floor needed a hug.

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